Secrets to raising kind and brave kids
Kindergarten…how did we get here? It’s too soon. They aren’t ready. Who am I kidding? I am not ready.
I guess I was naive enough to think that they would stay little forever. That I could protect them from the dangers of the world we live in. Of course, I’m joking; I don’t want my girls growing up living in a bubble where they think everything is rainbows and unicorns. However, I’ll admit to desperately wanting to protect their little hearts from the pain I know they will experience soon enough as they transition to this new season of life.
I know I’m not alone in this place. This place of dread as we watch our “babies” slip away from us. I know there are so many others facing huge change whether it’s kindergarten or college. I wish I could give you a big hug and we could drink wine while crying together. But we can’t. Instead, I want to encourage you that we are in this together, and the way to face this head-on is by identifying WHY you are dreading this stage and the fear behind it.
For me, my anxiety is rooted in my past. Looking back, kindergarten was where it all began. My slow decline in self-confidence, loss of identity, and desperate need for approval. Before then, I was free. Free to do what I loved, say what was on my heart, and to just be ME.
I wasn’t prepared for the burning desire to be a part of the cool kids (cue the catchy hit “Cool Kids” by Echosmith) or the fact that I would give up what mattered most to me to get there.
With each step taken up the educational ladder, I found myself farther and farther away from who God created me to be. I mean, I ended up in a career (veterinary medicine) that I am no longer practicing in because it was missing so many of the things that brought me joy!
So what went wrong? How does one get so off track? Knowing what I know now, I truly feel I was never strong enough to stand up for myself or to process the thoughts that were constantly swarming around in my head.
Am I pretty enough? Will they like me more if I wear my hair like hers? What if I had freckles too? Would that make him like me too? Should I downplay how smart I am? Is it weird that I would rather read or draw than play with the others? Would I be more liked if I was better at sports?
If you would have interviewed me back then and asked all my favorite things, I probably would have waited to see what the others responded and followed suit thinking that was my ticket in – to a happier life. Side note: We are good at that, aren’t we? Looking at what others are doing or have and thinking we would be happier if we were them? Stop that crap now by reading my piece on Comparison: A Challenge Every Woman Faces Along with How to Embrace it.
Bottom line is I don’t want that for my girls. I don’t want them to lose themselves in a sea of other kids who may or may not be kind to them. But most importantly, I don’t want my girls to be the ones being cruel and making others question their value and place in this world.
So what do I do? How do I face this season head-on and acknowledge the fear that is making me dread it so immensely?
By setting out to raise my girls to be KIND and BRAVE – living life true to who they are while allowing others to be true to themselves. By teaching them how to unapologetically love themselves while loving others equally. By encouraging them to stand up for their values while still respecting others.
Easier said than done, right? But doable if we look at the role we play as mothers, as examples.
So what can we do as their moms?
Get crystal clear on how much impact you have on your children.
I know she is going to kill me, but I’m being real so here it goes. When I was a child, my mom was dealing with the same amount of pressure to fit in as I was, and it impacted us both. Because my parents weren’t born and raised in our little town, my mom was seen as an “outsider”.
She didn’t have the same friendships so many of the other moms had. Friendships built on decades of memories. And she didn’t have the time to make them as she poured every ounce of herself into helping my dad with his practice (the reason we moved there in the first place).
I remember watching her, so often alone, knowing she would give anything to simply be acknowledged as another mom worthy of a “Hello”. So in my little mind, I thought she would have been happier if she too fit in. I couldn’t comprehend all of the other factors at play (like some people craving fewer more intimate relationships or living through seasons of sacrifice), and I don’t recall ever truly talking about the matter together.
All I knew was I didn’t want to end up like her. Man, that is hard to write, and I know it’s going to be even harder for her to read. But I’m grateful for the reality of it now because it shows me what I can do differently with raising my girls. Which brings me to our next points.
Talk to your children about everything.
I want my girls to know that they are in a safe place. That they can come to me if something happens that leaves them shaken so we can talk it through. Just as important, I want them to be able to celebrate moments that brought them joy. I want to be able to discuss times where they were able to show kindness, as well as courage.
How I plan to do this is by being intentional with my time with them in the car, while eating dinner, while winding down for bed. I may even combine some of these questions into our nightly gratitude board <insert gratitude blog from last year here> and make it into a fun routine we look forward to. Doesn’t need to require a ton of time but simply asking questions such as:
What was something that happened today that made you happy? Was someone involved with making this happen? How can you thank them?
Were you given a chance to be kind to someone? If not, can you think of a time you could have gone out of your way to do something nice?
What is one thing you did today that scared you but you still did? How did you feel afterward?
Was there anything that happened that made you sad or mad? How did you handle it? How do you feel about it now?
I also want to be sensitive to how they are wired and encourage them to be proud of who they are even if it means they do things differently than others. I already see such a big difference in my girls despite them being genetically identical. One tends to gravitate towards others and thrives in that environment while the other tends to want to be alone more. Instead of making them feel like one is right over the other, I want to help them understand that they unique in their own way.
By helping them to identify the motive behind certain behaviors – for example, tends to retreat because they refuel through that alone time vs retreating because of fear of not being accepted – and then how to make sense of it (and possibly revealing an area that they can use help in), you strengthen their own ability in being confident in who they are.
Which brings me to my last point….
Do all that you can to spark confidence within your child while preparing them for the real world.
I added that last part of the equation – “while preparing them for the real world”- because I feel so many moms hinder their children by praising EVERYTHING they do and often go above and beyond to make them happy. This may seem like a good thing but in reality, when we practice such behavior we are in fact crippling our children for when they enter the “real world”.
They get discouraged too quickly when they can’t get something on the first try; never learning the importance of persistence and hard work.
They get offended when someone refuses to give them their way (when their way isn’t necessarily the right/best way); never learning the vital skill sets of proper communication and empathy.
They don’t learn how to cope with disappointment or rejection; never learning how to look within to see what that feeling may represent of themselves.
In a nutshell, as parents, we need to be honest with our children which may in part require us to do some hard things.
Help them to see where they can grow, where they can improve while praising them for what they have already accomplished! Encourage them at a young age to fail BIG, knowing that with each fall comes an opportunity to learn and do it even better the next time. Most importantly, remind them to always have FUN and to celebrate the little wins along the way because there has got to be joy in this journey of life!
Don’t feel like this all has to be on you either. Remember raising a child takes a village and we are part of that village for you!
I highly recommend exposing your children to personal growth materials and books focusing on a bigger message. Ones that will promote skill sets that you likely won’t see on their curriculum at school. Some of my favorites are: